If great authors of classic literature were submitting their manuscripts today...would they be likely to receive rejection notices like these?
Great
Expectations by Charles Dickens
Dear Mr. Dickens,
So who has great expectations? Is this Miss
Havisham chick expecting a roll in the hay with Pip or what? Cougar stories are
hot right now but this kid is underage…don’t want to bring the feds down on us.
So make him older and add a few hot scenes and resubmit.
A Tale
of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
Dear Mr. Dickens,
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of
times”? Really? Make up your mind, Mr. Dickens. Which was it, the best or the
worst of times? Geez. When you decide which it was, revise and resubmit.
Stuart
Little by E.B. White
Dear Mr. White,
A woman gives birth to a mouse? She’s cheating on
her human husband with a giant mouse? Honestly…that may be original but is
totally inappropriate for a kid’s book, Mr. White. Besides, it has creeped out
the entire editorial staff. Don’t bother rewriting and resubmitting this one, I’m
afraid.
Don
Quixote by Miguel de CervantesDear Mr. Cervantes,
A novel about a crazy old guy who fights a
windmill and his chubby sidekick who goes along because he has no life?
Honestly, this story has been done to death, Mr. Cervantes. While we loved the
chivalry, the plot was ho hum and the characters too far fetched. Please send
us your next manuscript, we have not filled our quota of rejections yet this
month.
Frankenstein
by Mary Shelley
Dear Ms. Shelley,
Your hero is made out of dead body parts sewn
together? Yuck! Three of our editors threw up reading about that. Then you jump
start him like a dead car battery with lightning from the sky. Yeah, like that’s
ever gonna happen. What nice girl writes about something so grisly? Thanks but
no thanks. Do send us your next attempt, we’re always looking for a good laugh.
Alice’s
Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
Dear Mr. Carroll,
A girl disappears and this is funny? Down a rabbit
hole? She eats pills that make her bigger and smaller then meets a floating
grin that’s a cat? We suggest, Mr. Carroll, that the next time you take
psycho-tropic recreational drugs, you remove pencil and paper from the room.
Please, we know an acid trip when we see one. Good luck with your drug habit
but don’t send us your next “trip”.
Little
Women by Louisa May Alcott
Dear Ms. Alcott,
We were disappointed to see from the title of your
book that it wasn’t about a bordello. These girls are innocent to the point of
totally boring. Four editors fell asleep skimming your book for sex scenes. Besides,
there was too much telling and not enough showing in this book. We couldn’t
feel the emotions of your characters. What a bunch of spoiled brats! Please,
spice up this book, like one of them gets it on with the rich kid next door,
rewrite and resubmit. Oh and make the girls all over sixteen. We like ‘em
legal.
Comments are appreciated.
Comments are appreciated.
