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Thursday, August 30, 2012

REJECTION LETTERS WE'D LIKE TO SEE...



If great authors of classic literature were submitting their manuscripts today...would they be likely to receive rejection notices like these?
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
Dear Mr. Dickens,
So who has great expectations? Is this Miss Havisham chick expecting a roll in the hay with Pip or what? Cougar stories are hot right now but this kid is underage…don’t want to bring the feds down on us. So make him older and add a few hot scenes and resubmit.
A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
Dear Mr. Dickens,
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”? Really? Make up your mind, Mr. Dickens. Which was it, the best or the worst of times? Geez. When you decide which it was, revise and resubmit.
Stuart Little by E.B. White
Dear Mr. White,
A woman gives birth to a mouse? She’s cheating on her human husband with a giant mouse? Honestly…that may be original but is totally inappropriate for a kid’s book, Mr. White. Besides, it has creeped out the entire editorial staff. Don’t bother rewriting and resubmitting this one, I’m afraid.
Don Quixote by Miguel de CervantesDear Mr. Cervantes,
A novel about a crazy old guy who fights a windmill and his chubby sidekick who goes along because he has no life? Honestly, this story has been done to death, Mr. Cervantes. While we loved the chivalry, the plot was ho hum and the characters too far fetched. Please send us your next manuscript, we have not filled our quota of rejections yet this month.
Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
Dear Ms. Shelley,
Your hero is made out of dead body parts sewn together? Yuck! Three of our editors threw up reading about that. Then you jump start him like a dead car battery with lightning from the sky. Yeah, like that’s ever gonna happen. What nice girl writes about something so grisly? Thanks but no thanks. Do send us your next attempt, we’re always looking for a good laugh.
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
Dear Mr. Carroll,
A girl disappears and this is funny? Down a rabbit hole? She eats pills that make her bigger and smaller then meets a floating grin that’s a cat? We suggest, Mr. Carroll, that the next time you take psycho-tropic recreational drugs, you remove pencil and paper from the room. Please, we know an acid trip when we see one. Good luck with your drug habit but don’t send us your next “trip”.
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
Dear Ms. Alcott,
We were disappointed to see from the title of your book that it wasn’t about a bordello. These girls are innocent to the point of totally boring. Four editors fell asleep skimming your book for sex scenes. Besides, there was too much telling and not enough showing in this book. We couldn’t feel the emotions of your characters. What a bunch of spoiled brats! Please, spice up this book, like one of them gets it on with the rich kid next door, rewrite and resubmit. Oh and make the girls all over sixteen. We like ‘em legal. 
Comments are appreciated.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Pick Your Favorite Victorian To Win a Free Book!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE RENOVATED HEART , READ AN EXCERPT. PICK YOUR FAVORITE VICTORIAN HOME FROM THE ONES HERE THAT HAVE BEEN RENOVATED WITH LOVING CARE. LEAVE YOUR CHOICE IN A COMMENT WITH YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS AND BE ENTERED TO WIN A COPY OF THE RENOVATED HEART! Winner will be selected on Thursday morning. Results for house contest will be shared then, too.  
AND THE WINNER IS!!! KATRINA!!THE WINNING HOUSE IS #7!
(All these pictures have been paid for.)
Can a broken heart be renovated like an old house? Kit’s life came to a halt when her husband slapped her with a divorce. Finding herself without a job or a place to live, she’s forced to take Tunney Nichols up on his offer of cheap rent for his parent’s house.The catch: she must allow him to renovate while she’s living there. Out of fear, Kit tells a lie she soon regrets as she is drawn to the sexy man plastering and painting his way into her heart.
Can Sarah forget the abuse from her late husband? Can she fix her heart and the hearts of her children?  With her two children in tow, Sarah relocates to be near her sister, she meets Jim, a neighbor and English professor. A mutual interest in writing, paves the way for a friendship that blossoms into romance. But is Jim the right man for Sarah or does her old college sweetheart still light her fire? 
Let's look at some other Victorian Homes that have been beautifully renovated, too, while you take a peek at a SHORT EXCERPT:
#1. Tan roof house
Kit Alexander ordered a Cosmopolitan, sat back, her heart racing in anticipation of
tomorrow’s departure. After twelve years of marriage, a career in banking and raising an eleven year-old daughter, Kit was finally going to live her dream of becoming a published author.
 With their daughter safely enrolled in boarding school, she could accompany her husband
on a world tour as the newest band member of Blue Waters band. Tagging along as a band wife,  Kit planned to write a book about her experiences.
 A tinny version of Johnny’s favorite song came up. The familiar sound meant a text message arrived on her phone, causing her to put down her drink. 
#2 - Black & White house
#3 Light Blue House
Are you all packed? Is Johnny there yet? Wishing you an amazing trip, Hugs, Sarah.
Kit typed in,
Yes, no. Our first three cities are Amsterdam, London and Prague. Thanks,lady. Hugs, Kit.

#4 White house with pumpkins
Sipping her Cosmo, Kit looked around La Nuit Fran├žaise—a posh, intimate French
restaurant decorated in turquoise, red and gold, tucked into the west side of Manhattan. Beautiful people dressed in expensive clothing pretending to be someone important filled the restaurant. In addition to paying through the nose for the good food, they were also paying to be seen. Save me from such pretension.


#5 Tan house with purple sky
Wearing a sexy dress in midnight blue silk, her dark cerulean blue eyes shining, her spun gold hair draping well below her shoulders in loose curls, she was the loveliest woman in the room.
A man approach her table, she smiled at her husband, Johnny, as he plopped down in the empty chair across from her.
#6  Light red and white house

He ordered a beer plus another Cosmopolitan for Kit.
 “You look great, Kit,” Johnny said, taking a swig of- his beer. His gaze lowered to her
neckline then returned to her face.
“A fresh look for a new start…tomorrow I launch a new life. We both do.” She picked up
the second Cosmo and took a sip.
“We need to talk about tomorrow,” Johnny said, looking down at the silverware.

#7 - BW house on the water
BUY LINK (all formats available, including pdf at Secret Cravings)
 Secret Cravings Publishing
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