REJECTION LETTERS WE'D LIKE TO SEE...

If great authors of classic literature were submitting their manuscripts today...would they be likely to receive rejection notices like these?

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

Dear Mr. Dickens,

So who has great expectations? Is this Miss Havisham chick expecting a roll in the hay with Pip or what? Cougar stories are hot right now but this kid is underage…don’t want to bring the feds down on us. So make him older and add a few hot scenes and resubmit.

A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens

Dear Mr. Dickens,

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”? Really? Make up your mind, Mr. Dickens. Which was it, the best or the worst of times? Geez. When you decide which it was, revise and resubmit.

Stuart Little by E.B. White

Dear Mr. White,

A woman gives birth to a mouse? She’s cheating on her human husband with a giant mouse? Honestly…that may be original but is totally inappropriate for a kid’s book, Mr. White. Besides, it has creeped out the entire editorial staff. Don’t bother rewriting and resubmitting this one, I’m afraid.

Don Quixote by Miguel de CervantesDear Mr. Cervantes,

A novel about a crazy old guy who fights a windmill and his chubby sidekick who goes along because he has no life? Honestly, this story has been done to death, Mr. Cervantes. While we loved the chivalry, the plot was ho hum and the characters too far fetched. Please send us your next manuscript, we have not filled our quota of rejections yet this month.

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

Dear Ms. Shelley,

Your hero is made out of dead body parts sewn together? Yuck! Three of our editors threw up reading about that. Then you jump start him like a dead car battery with lightning from the sky. Yeah, like that’s ever gonna happen. What nice girl writes about something so grisly? Thanks but no thanks. Do send us your next attempt, we’re always looking for a good laugh.

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

Dear Mr. Carroll,

A girl disappears and this is funny? Down a rabbit hole? She eats pills that make her bigger and smaller then meets a floating grin that’s a cat? We suggest, Mr. Carroll, that the next time you take psycho-tropic recreational drugs, you remove pencil and paper from the room. Please, we know an acid trip when we see one. Good luck with your drug habit but don’t send us your next “trip”.

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Dear Ms. Alcott,

We were disappointed to see from the title of your book that it wasn’t about a bordello. These girls are innocent to the point of totally boring. Four editors fell asleep skimming your book for sex scenes. Besides, there was too much telling and not enough showing in this book. We couldn’t feel the emotions of your characters. What a bunch of spoiled brats! Please, spice up this book, like one of them gets it on with the rich kid next door, rewrite and resubmit. Oh and make the girls all over sixteen. We like ‘em legal. 
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