My version of TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

This parody is meant in fun. I hope you take it in the spirit in which it's intended, and with apologies to Clement Moore...

TWAS THE NIGHT WHEN THE BIG GUY ARRIVED

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, especially my spouse;
Dirty clothes were piled ‘round the house with care,
In hopes a housekeeper soon would be there;

The children were tucked all tight in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads;
And me in my babydolls, and hubs loaded with booze,
Had just bedded down for a long winter's snooze,

When out in the driveway there came such a howl,
I reached for my gun, my humor most foul.
Away to the closet I flew like a flash,
To grab and hide our huge pile of cash.

The moon shining down on a mound of fresh snow
Lit up the front lawn like a coat of day-glo,
When, what to my weary brown eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh, and eight bloated reindeer,

With a chubby round driver, staggering and thick,
I feared in my heart it might be Ole Nick.
Faster than race cars these fat reindeer came,
And he whistled, and hollered, and cursed them by name;

"Now, DUMMY! now, ASSHAT! now, SCHMUCK-FACE and SEEDY!
On, IDIOT! on STUPID! on, DANDRUFF and GREEDY!
To the top of the roof! to the chimney, y’all!
Now fly away! run away! jump away all!"

As those leaves I didn’t rake, took off on the fly,
Formed a tornado so thick it blinded the eye,
Up to the rickety roof the huge reindeer flew,
With the sleigh full of crap, and drunk old man too.

And then, in a second, I heard on the roof
The stomping and footfall of each clumsy hoof.
As I hauled up my gun, and was loading a round,
Down the chimney the fat man came with a bound.

He was dressed all in red, from his neck to his foot,
In dirty old clothes, ripped and covered with soot;
A greasy bundle of junk he threw on the floor,
And he looked like a thief, a-looting once more.

His eyes -- how bloodshot! his eyebrows how funny!
His cheeks were all flushed, his nose, it was runny!
His leering mouth was drawn up in a grin,
And his stare on me reeked of original sin;

The stump of a stogie he held tight in his teeth,
As the foul smoke ringed me like Caesar’s famed wreath;
He had a broad face and an obscenely round gut,
When he turned, he showed me an enormous red butt.

Despite his appearance, he laughed and guffawed,
So I put down my gun, even Santa is flawed;
With a wink of his eye and a swift little wave,
I found myself happy, smiling, and brave;

In silence he worked, placing packages galore,
Filled all the stockings, hung a wreath on the door,
Placed a fifth on the table, and blowing his nose,
Grabbed the reins, and up the chimney he rose;

He stumbled into his sleigh, to his team gave a shout,
With a running leap, the deer were up and about.
Rubbing my eyes, I heard him curse ‘til he blew out of sight,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, DAMMIT, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!"

C

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