Search This Blog

Monday, June 27, 2016


I spent 30 years in the corporate direct marketing world, working for large ad agencies. People think I'm a marketing guru. I don't see it that way. I'm more of a try-it-and-see-how-it-does type. While I don't have any quick fixes for selling more books, I absolutely have the real skinny on how not to. 

(With a nod to two of my dearest friends, Kathleen Ball and Vicki Locey, for contributing to this list.)


1) Gather a street team together and have them post phony one-star troll reviews on the books of all your competitors. Don't worry about being discovered. When someone figures it out --and they will -- you can simply blame it on your street team run amok.

2) Have a series comprised of 8 books? Make the first seven free. After all, you'll keep them reading and you'll make it up on book 8. If you believe this, I have a bridge you might want to buy. It connects Manhattan with Brooklyn.

3) Post all about your book in a comment on the Facebook thread of another author. Steal their thunder right from under them on their own turf. Authors love that. Raising the level of competition makes everyone try harder. Then again, when you get unfriended, blocked and blacklisted, don't blame me.

4) When you leave a review on a competitors book, be sure to put in a few words about how your book on the same topic is so much better. Don't forget to include a buy link to your book, too. Makes it easier for the reader to find. Be careful not to use your real name or there might be repercussions.

5) Post the same promo copy about your book in 250 Facebook groups --every day! Out of sight, out of mind. Right? You need exposure. Don't forget to post controversial opinions about religion and politics. You'll get some "lively" discussions going and attention on your Fb page. 

6) Offer ten bucks to anyone who will agree to give your book a good review. Everyone says how important good reviews are. And why shouldn't you offer the reviewer some compensation? Wait, make that twenty bucks. If  you're too cheap you might end up with only four stars.

7) Never support another author. If the author is famous or even moderately successful, post nasty, snarky comments on her Facebook page, send out critical tweets about her. Let the world know you are soooo much better than she is. Much classier, too. Don't forget to add links to your books in those comments. Why should the reader have to hunt for your precious tomes?

8) Never buy a book from another author who is competing with you in the same genre. Unless you intend to plagiarize it, of course. Otherwise, why should you spend money on her books? Do you think she'd ever become your friend and buy your book, too? Nah. Doubt it. Everyone knows it's a cut-throat business. 

9) Whatever you do, don't waste your time and money on a professional editor. Write that book and slap the sucker up for sale before the ink is even dry. Yep, editors and proofers are a total waste of time and money. The sooner you get your books out there, the sooner you can be fleecing readers who think you might have written something worth reading. Too bad for them. You know what they say -- the best marketing is writing another book! 

10)  Last, don't bother with a professional cover artist. Tell your nephew, Herman, you'll bake him a batch of brownies if he'll create a cover for you. And don't buy pictures. Steal them from the Internet. What are your chances of getting caught? One in a thousand, right? And if you do -- take down the cover, "borrow" another picture and do a new cover. Plenty of people will think it's a new book and your sales will soar. 


While these ideas may sound crazy to you, most of them are based on real actions my friends and I have observed.  

Don't be a low-class jerk. Take the high road. Support other authors, even those with competitive books. A little class can go a long way toward building a fan base and growing book sales.

Please feel free to leave a comment. Any comments with buy links to your books will be taken down. Lol!

Jean Joachim
Stories from the Heart
Contemporary Romance 


Mark Williams Int. said...

Too funny!

But sadly so true. I can think of authors guilty of every one of those. And many going for the full ten out of ten.

Kayelle Allen said...

Oh lordy. This is sadly what people seem to do. I think this should be Author Reading 101 before you can even publish the first book.

Mona Karel said...

Yeah, get those books out there FAST. Edit only when your readers complain.
ARRRGGHH. Great advice, thanks!

Savanna Kougar said...

Wow! I've never even thought of most of that, or been aware it's going on. But then, I'm mostly out of the loop when it comes to promo. Great stuff, Jean.

Lady Gina Kincade said...

So love this, Jean! Well said. :)

Kathryn R. Blake said...

I try so hard not to do any of those, ever. Great post, Jean!

Zorha Redwolf Edwards said...

OH i so agree! i have teared clean away from all of this, i too have been in business and marketing of some sort for over 30 years! I have even Yelled at my Author friends that have done some of these very things! Geez! Thanks for saying all of this out loud! and no buy links either!

Sharon Johnson said...

I must be doing everything wrong, because I've never done any of this. Supporting other authors, is a major thing for me and they in turn typically respect and do the same for me. As good as I am at editing my own books, no way I'm not getting another set of eyes, to make sure when I put my name on something, the quality isn't first rate. I praise my street team daily, because without them and my amazing PA, no matter how good of a writer I am, without them, I'd never be able to get the word out there about my books or events. I'd never steal anyone else's work, if I'm not good enough to write my own stories or poetry, I deserve to fail. Uplift, share others work, praise and always remember, at the end of the day, as much as I wanna sell the books I've worked my butt off to write, sacrificed my precious time for, at the end of the day, I only have one reputation and I've worked way too hard to make sure it's a good one. And years from now, I plan to still be around doing what I love, writing and authoring books. Shame on those authors (And I use the word lightly here) who do that crazy crap

Gordon said...

Lively and useful reading. Congratulations!

Molly Daniels said...

Love this! Thanks for the morning chuckle:)

M. S. Spencer said...

So this is where I don't leave my buy links? jk. Very funny column. Meredith

Jillian said...

sad that so many of these are true.

Sheri Fredricks said...

LOL - Funny, but true.

Holly J. Gill said...

Brilliant, Jean and funny. But it's surprising how many authors do use some of these as marketing.

SherryGLoag said...

Oh, too funny, but sadly so true.