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Friday, December 2, 2011

Christmas Letter I'd Like to See

Did you ever receive one of those disgusting Christmas letters from someone you haven't seen in a while, perhaps, jammed into a Christmas card? They make me retch. You know the ones where everyone is doing great, junior is the star quarterback with a grade point average of 4.0, sis is captain of the cheerleading squad, president of the debate team and star of the school musical, and the little one is playing travel soccer, teaching the coach a few tricks and at the top of his class?

I hate those letters. So to all you phonies and braggarts who want to use Christmas as an excuse to lie about your lives and make everyone else feel crummy, I give you "the Christmas letter I've always wanted to receive."

    We had the best year ever. We are so thankful this year, Grandma has given up crack and agreed to go to rehab! We're hoping that by Valentine's Day she'll be able to come home to us and not have to serve the rest of her jail term. Grandpa continues to spend his day at the race track, but hey -- they're building a Casino up the street from us! So we hope Grandpa won't be wasting his money on carfare for much longer. It's so much better when he can lose his money and still come home for lunch.

     The kids are bringing us many blessing this year. Little Bobby turned his switchblade over to the cops without a fight, so his sentence will be lighter. Of course the cops broke his nose subduing him, but hey, Jackie Chan broke his nose a few times too and it didn't hurt his career. 
     Violet has actually been attending school more than she's cutting these days. We think it's because she's got a crush on the new football coach. How did we guess? She spends a lot of time at football practice and comes home about an hour after the team has gone home. We're delighted she's banging a coach instead of the no-account Sidney Smith she was hanging out with. She had to give him up when he got busted for armed robbery. Fortunately they moved him to a prison too far for her to visit. Violet says the coach is going to help her with her grades. She assured us he knows how to hack the school computer system and we expect she'll be bringing home all "A's" soon!
       My dear husband, Carl, is still hanging on to his job. When he accused his boss, Martin, of making a pass at him in the men's room, we knew he'd get job security. We feel very lucky to have it, too, in this year of such unemployment.
       I am still a stay-at-home mom...just until the cops take the ankle bracelet off. Then I'm going to be looking for work. I've been working out at home and am pretty buff, so turning tricks pays better and is less risky than shoplifting anyway. I bought some spandex duds I'll be declaring as a business expense on my tax returns this year and looking for a good neighborhood to get started. 
       One sad note, our dog, Dribbles, got kicked out of obedience school for biting the instructor. We were heartbroken but figure he'd probably excel at guard dog school, so Carl enrolled him there.
       Hope everyone at your house is as happy, well adjusted, successful and well off as we are. And if you're not, too damn bad. Some of us have got it and some don't.

        Merry Christmas,
                                                                  Your loving friend,


Kathleen Ball said...

so funny- my mom wrote the dreaded brag letter. I had quit college and ran into some old neighbors who thought I was in college and my brother was engaged- why?? I like your version so much better!!

Kellie Kamryn said...

LMAO!!! "I'm a stay at home mom...just until the cops take the ankle bracelet off." Still howling over here! Thanks for the laugh this morning, Jean :)

Lindsay said...

Now that's a real Christmas note.
So Happy Holidays Jean and try to stay out of trouble this coming year

Karen said...

Love the Christmas note. I laughed through the whole thing.

Don't know when the ankle bracelet is going to come off my ankle. Coming from a strict Italian background, I still have to lie about my whereabouts to my mom. I try my best to stay about of trouble.

Once again you have shared with us a lovely write that we can relate too.

Sarabeth said...

That's hilarious!

Karenna Colcroft said...

LMAO! That's all I can say; I'm laughing too hard to type!

Elaine Cantrell said...


kayspringsteen said...

Hey - Bitsy from the joint said to tell you hi, and she can't come to the computer because she lost her internet privileges for stabbing another inmate with a plastic fork. But she's gonna be out soon and she's looking forward to sharing a corner again in 2012.