Welcome to a week of The Best of my blogs. I've resurrected what I think are my best shots at engaging blogs. No, none of them are touting books, so you can relax. Hope you enjoy them. There's the first.
REJECTION LETTERS WE'D LIKE TO SEE…
Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
Dear Mr. Dickens,
So who has great expectations? Is this Miss Havisham chick expecting a roll in the hay with Pip or what? Cougar stories are hot right now but this kid is underage…don’t want to bring the feds down on us. So make him older and add a few hot scenes and resubmit.
A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens
Dear Mr. Dickens,
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times”? Really? Make up your mind, Mr. Dickens. Which was it, the best or the worst of times. Geez. When you decide which it was, revise and resubmit. And bag that guillotine crap. Too bloody for our audience.
Stuart Little by E.B. White
Dear Mr. White,
A woman gives birth to a mouse? She’s cheating on her human husband with a giant mouse? Honestly…that may be original but is totally inappropriate for a kid’s book, Mr. White. Besides, it has creeped out the entire editorial staff. Don’t both rewriting and resubmitting this one, I’m afraid.You might consider intensive physchotherapy.
Don Quixote by Miguel de CervantesDear Mr. Cervantes,
A novel about a crazy, old guy who fights a windmill and his chubby sidekick who goes along because he has no life? Honestly, this story has been done to death, Mr. Cervantes. While we loved the chivalry, the plot was ho hum and the characters too far fetched. A hooker who turns down a good guy who doesn't want sex? Really, Mr. Cervantes? Please send us your next manuscript, we have not filled out quota of rejections yet this month.
Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
Dear Ms. Shelley,
Your hero is made out of dead body parts sewn together? Yuck! Three of our editors threw up reading about that. We believe in recycling, but that's ridiculous!
Then you jump start him like a dead car battery with lightning from the sky. Yeah, like that’s ever gonna happen. What nice girl writes about something so grisly? Thanks but no thanks. Do send us your next attempt, we’re always looking for a good laugh.
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll
Dear Mr. Carroll,
A girl disappears and this is funny? Down a rabbit hole? She eats pills that make her bigger and smaller then meets a floating grin that’s a cat? We suggest, Mr. Carroll, that the next time you take psycho-tropic recreational drugs, you remove pencil and paper from the room. Please, we know an acid trip when we see one. Good luck with your drug habit but don’t send us your next “trip”.
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
Dear Ms. Alcott,
We were disappointed to see from the title of your book that it wasn’t about a bordello. These girls are innocent to the point of totally boring. Four editors fell asleep skimming your book for sex scenes. Besides, there was too much telling and not enough showing in this book. We couldn’t feel the emotions of your characters. What a bunch of spoiled brats! Please, spice up this book, like one of them gets it on with the rich kid next door, rewrite and resubmit. Oh and make the girls all over sixteen. We like ‘em legal.